Ecentric Energies.

Fuck, I had most of a post written, and was finishing up with some shit about the Mercury Retrograde screwing up communication, and fucking Blogger erased my entire post.  Irony is some bullshit.

Blessings Darlings!

I guess I'll just have to start this post again.  After I drink some water, because I am also over due on that.  You get yourself some water, too.  I'll be right back.  And, no, my husband has NOT yet made me that little every-half-hour pop-up for my computer, reminding me to drink some water.  It's still my own responsibility, and I'm not doing well at it.

I've been getting lots done in the garden since my last post.  The phone has been ringing a lot. Laundry washed and hung.  The landscape plastic is down.  Replacement tomato plants in.  Many big ass weeds pulled.  Garlic harvested.  12 heads of garlic, and not huge ones at that.  Enough to last us 3 months, IF I didn't want to save some to plant this fall. I discovered that my cucs aren't sprouting because the seeds are 6 years old.  So I went out and bought a few cucumber plants.  Not ideal, but the cucs will still be better than store bought

The internets are full of people going on about new moon, and eclipse, and summer solstice.  And retrogrades.  Retrogrades aren't a thing I worry about - I use their occurrence as a cue to back up computers and check status of insurances and such.  Do the maintenance that you know you should do.  It's not a big deal. 

But, sure, there are a lot of different energies out there, and folks are aware of them.  They also think that they can control them.  Or 'harness' them.  On the whole - they can't.  And add to the not great ability to control or harness the rare assortment of cosmic energy, even I admit that with both Venus and Merc retrograde that communication is more difficult ... you're not going to be clear in your statements of intent.  Being unclear in THAT means your magic is going to be more inclined to fail to begin with.  So my magical focus this weekend is very very very ... grounded.  I'm clearing ground.  I'm putting in seeds.  I'm harvesting what I've sown.  I'm eating what I produced.  I'm sharing it with others.  I'm trying to perfect a recipe for Strawberry Lemonade.

Maybe I just don't have the spoons - or the loom - to weave with these energies.  Maybe as an old white woman it's my time to step the hell back from doing to weaving and let the next generation of weavers take it on, with my support.  Yes, of course I'm struggling, like everyone else, with depression with all the coronavirus disruption and the evidence of failure in progress that my generation produced, as well as my 'usual' depression.

For now, tho', I'm planting cucs and beans and whispering encouragement to my potatoes and beets.  While Florida has just had over 4000 new cases of coronavirus in one day.

It is what it is.

Oh, we're in Fly Season here on the cattle farm.  At this point it's the middle sized slow flies.  I smashed at least 18 of them so far today, and there is at least one more left.  We had the big horse flies two weeks ago.  In about a month, it will be the somewhat smaller but VERY much faster flies.  And there must be some big wasps nests around, too - there were 6 paper wasps eating the clothes pins on my clothes line as I tried to hang clothes today.  I wish that the swallows would do something about them ... except that the wasps eat other bugs. 

Frondly, Fern

Cause? Effect? Random?

Blessings Darlings!

I've had more energy and less executive dysfunction lately than I've had in ... ages.  This is WONDERFUL when you've had various types of depression, well, pretty much all my life.  Therefore, I'm trying to figure out 'what I did' that caused the change.

I'm doing this even tho' I fully realize that I'm not actually in full control of my brain chemistry.  But I REALLY WANT TO BE fully in charge of my brain chemistry.  I like feeling good.  I want to stay feeling good.

So, I'm reviewing what I've been eating, drinking, exposure to sunlight, the changes I've made in the offerings I'm giving to all sorts of Spirits, the bed board I've added to the bed so the mattress is firmer, improved sleep, reduced caffeine, exercising, etc.

But ... I can't tell what might have helped CAUSE the improvement from what was CAUSED BY the improvement.  I've no idea what came first amongst the variables.  And there are SO MANY variables. 

I want to be in control,  while realizing that I'm never going to be in full control.  I'm doing factor analysis, laughing at myself for doing it, but continuing to contemplate it.

That said - I'm happy with what's going on.

Frondly, Fern

Where Order Goes to Die

Blessings, Darlings!

I am ... disorganized ... to put it mildly.  Okay, I'm Chaos personified.  My house is where Order goes to die.  Adding that to my chronic level of depression, this means that a lot of stuff falls thru' the cracks.  And even more stuff FEELS as if it has fallen thru' the cracks.

So, again, I'm trying to change that.  So, again, I have bought a weekly planner (the least expensive one that the store had.)  I had the two OTHER notebooks I've been trying to use with me at the store, so I sipped coffee and moved stuff to the One Book To Rule Them. 

To my total surprise, I found that while I've not been reaching all my goals, and CERTAINLY not getting as much done each day as I'd like to - I WAS doing at least something on almost all of my goals each day.  Didn't write down the good sales from each grocer?  No, but I looked at the ads and made mental notes.  Didn't write down a week of meals?  No, but I did plan 4 days of meals.  Didn't have a full shopping list made? No, but it was mostly done.  Didn't go all the exercising I planned to each day?  No, but I got SOME in ... and found the weights I want to work with as well, and put a temporary fix in on the exercise bike.  Didn't get done all the non-JOB stuff I wanted, but I got to the JOB every day and even on the day I was sick I made sure that the co-worker I usually drive in got to work (I had to ask the Spawn to drive the co-worker in that day.) 

I still can't find my desk under all the papers and such on it, but MAYBE I'm getting a bit more organized that I had been, and didn't notice it. 

Oh - beware of crunches just after a cup of coffee.  On that path lies danger and acid reflux.

This post brought to you by the upcoming start of the school year (therefore planners are EVERYwhere), and Lora O'Brien's site Do The Work!

Frondly, Fern

My Worship Is In The Heart That Rejoices.

Blessings Darlings!

This is the first in what will be (I hope) a multi-post series on phrases from Wicca bandied about in the neopagan community. 

While Wicca is primarily an orthopraxic mystery religion, it has a few phrases that are quoted y some as orthodoxy.  One of them all y'all have almost certainly heard/read the phrase: "My Worship is in the heart which rejoices.  For behold - all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals."  It's towards the end of Doreen Valiente's "Charge of the Goddess".

Unlike some other sound bites often quoted most folks agree that this is not the whole of the story.  The heart that rejoices is not the ONLY place that the Goddess' worship exists, right?  Folks accept that Her worship is often in the heart that aches or despairs.

No one (I hope!) would be crass enough to tell someone in the midst of crippling depression, or hospitalized with some other disease, or with heart-rending bereavement, etc. to rejoice or they are failing to properly worship the Goddess or are otherwise 'not a true Wiccan or Pagan'

So too, while 'all acts of love and pleasure" are Her rituals, Her rituals and worship is not LIMITED to such acts.  For example, honoring a loved one's  end of life directive - as a friend of mine recent had to do for a loved one - and removing a breathing tube was clearly an act of love but NOT an act of pleasure.  And yet it was certainly one of the Goddess' rituals.

Are you with me so far?

Any questions?  More parts coming, and I hope I have the energy to write them soon ...

Frondly, Fern.

Playing With Fire

Blessings, Darlings!

As some of y'all know, I have some issues with depression/Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  It started when I was very young, around age 10 or earlier.  Over the years I've tried a large assortment of therapies and drugs, and currently it's pretty well controlled with Effexor and having set up a system of accountability (so I don't try to duck/ignore anything that makes me anxious, a 'solution' which of course causes more problems than it solves).

Still, there are times when stress is high and it kicks in, and I have to change or increase medications or add some talk therapy for a while.  When that occurs ... I cut down or completely cut OUT doing deep spiritual work.

You may be asking 'why' - why would Fern 'turn from the Gods' when she seems to need them the most?

Well, I don't turn from the Gods - I still talk with them (and they get their messages across to me).  Same with the nature spirits, and the ancestors.  And I still meditate, since that helps (as does exercise, for that matter) But I do respect the intertwining of body/mind/spirit.  And I've found that it's best to work with one variable at a time.  

J. H. Brennan wrote about this in the introduction to Dolores Ashcroft-Nowicki's WONDERFUL book "The Ritual Magick Workbook".  He talks of having nervous breakdowns after starting his occult studies, and goes into why esoteric training easily and often increases depression to such an extent that it will push you over the edge.  The short reason is that MOST spiritual/occult things you do - in any system - are DESIGNED to influence all of your energy systems.  And all of your energy systems (physical, mental, spiritual, chi, endocrine, emotional, sympathetic and parasympathetic, kundalini, etc - ALL OF THEM ) interact in ways that are intricate and powerful. 


So, the last time this happened ... probably not coincidentally while the coven I'm in was doing a year of Kabalistic workings (and I was prepping the working on Binah, for goodness sake!) .... I took a leave of absence from the coven I'm in that allowed me to have space to adjust drugs/therapy without the added variable of continuing the Kabalistic (and other) coven work.  I felt it would be detrimental to MY mental health to continue at that time, and unfair for me to burden my High Priestess with mediating any effects my out of control spiritual/occult energies could have on the coven's Group Mind.  (For the record, I'm SURE she could have handled doing that!)


And I bring this up now .... why?


I'm so glad you asked that!  I bring this up because lately I've seen a whole lot of folks who have depression or other emotional and mental challenges who really really want to work on their spiritual development ... whose depression or mental illnesses are not currently under any control at all.  And I'm scared for them.  These paths we walk are dangerous even for those who aren't pre-disposed, and for those who are pre-disposed but controlled and aware of the dangers and early warning signs of trouble.  For those whose mental/emotional issues are NOT in control - on this path lies madness. 


Literally. Madness.  Dousing yourself with gasoline and jumping into bonfire madness.  Not peace.  Not initiation.  Not MORE control, but LESS control. 


Stop.  Don't do it.  Don't do energy work.  Don't do trance work.  Don't do Pathworkings.  Don't attend 'transformative workshops'.  Don't attend Pagan festivals, where folks get ungrounded as it is from all the energy darting about. 

Pray, yes.  Talk with the Gods.  Make offerings.  Honor the cycles of nature.  Attend generic public rituals. Stay grounded with exercise, good food, good air, talking with real counselors, try on the appropriate prescribed drugs.

Frondly, Fern